Memories of sitting at mums table drinking from her mothers teacups drift into my thoughts as I contemplate what recipe to share….what was one of her absolute favourites?…..
Mum was one for always making things special. A quick visit with her would turn into lunch, tea and cake with the table set, flowers picked and her mothers special teacups, plates and coasters out…
I loved this sense of ritual she made time for. Really appreciating the small things, the moments in between. We often used to try and read tea leaves and imagine her Mum smiling down on us as we sat together… Now I think of both of them smiling down on me and my baby girl, which is so surreal….(not so much in a religious way, just an imagined sense of them)..
Loss is sometimes so unfathomable to us, my brain doesn’t…it can’t seem to accept it. It’s like I’m stuck in a bad dream trying to wake up. I suppose that’s the nature of grief and our human condition….
My mothers table is now empty and her footsteps are long gone from her special place, and I hope she can live on through me and my words and memories, and of course her recipes…
And maybe one day I’ll be smiling down on my baby girl whilst she’s drinking tea with her daughter.
Life is utterly strange and beautiful and hard and messy and all of the things at once. We somehow have to muddle through all of the difficulties and for me grief seems to be one hard nugget to crack, it pops up in unexpected places and at inappropriate times.
But we have to try and go with it and embrace all of it. And shape ourselves in a new way with grief travelling alongside us and maybe the rawness might fade a little with time. Although I hope with all my might that my memories won’t…
The sparkle in my mothers eye will hopefully remain as clear as it is now. And how her laughter filled up the kitchen. Her hands buttering her toast or rice cakes as she pours another cuppa. I’ll forever hold tightly to these precious memories of my beautiful mother and all that she was.
And somehow keep believing that she’s still around us, whispering into my ear and guiding me through this tumultuous thing called life….
Originally wrote this January 2021..Just over a year after Mum passed…
